I'm in such a... weird... place right now. I am happy; happier than I've been in a long time. I have my best friend right here and I am so thankful. She is consistent and is not leaving and loves me even when she shouldn't and believes in me and pushes me. She wants me to be the best I can be. There is no competition. No striving to be better, no wanting to do more, be more. We just are.
On that note, I am also sad. Winters are always hard, but this is the first winter I have not been left to my own devices & able to act in ways that I logically know I shouldn't. I am eating and I am keeping the dangerous things at bay. I am craving the empty feeling and the self-injury more than ever before, because I can't. I won't. It's not just me anymore. Two winters ago, it was Emili and I. This winter, it's M and I. I won't do that to them. It's a funny thing; when you're not doing things by yourself. You feel alone, but logically, physically, you're not. My head makes me feel like an outsider, like I'm dealing with these thoughts and my brain and where ever it wanders off to, all by myself. There is so much to say, but it is way too much, weigh too much. I am too much. I can generally handle myself throughout the spring and the summer. I slip a little almost every fall and then I fall during winter. I stay down, it's the only thing I know. But, once March or April comes around, I get up, brush myself off, and start over. I tend to slip again around May, because I hate May. I hate May. But, I hang on to the handrail. and I stand up again when it is all over.
I want to be brand new. I don't want these slips and falls and getting back up's through the seasons to follow me. I want to be brand new because I want to be good enough.
"you are good enough," they say. I just want to feel it. I don't understand it. I want to be brand new.
This all sounds so sad, but I promise I'm not, not right now. I'm anxious and I was supposed to start therapy, but the lady never called me, which has to be a sure sign that I do not need it. I feel so invalidated, but so petty, since she never called me. She probably thought that I was stupid because I tried anxiety medicine, by itself. I don't believe in medicine, especially not for myself, and especially not after that. I have never in my life had worse anxiety than the anxiety that came surrounding that little pill. I swear I could feel the changes in my brain and I could feel my blood rushing underneath my skin and I could feel the physical anxiety in every inch of my body at the most heightened level it's ever been. I generally can feel anxiety inside my body, every inch, but this was worse. I was crazy. It also gave me the absolute worst nausea I've ever experienced. My not believing in medicine, and the awful effects of this one have confirmed my fears about medicine and I will never take it again.
I am okay. I am happy; I laugh so much and I smile a lot and I'm not alone.
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