make me brand new. [long post]

I'm in such a... weird... place right now. I am happy; happier than I've been in a long time. I have my best friend right here and I am so thankful. She is consistent and is not leaving and loves me even when she shouldn't and believes in me and pushes me. She wants me to be the best I can be. There is no competition. No striving to be better, no wanting to do more, be more. We just are.

On that note, I am also sad. Winters are always hard, but this is the first winter I have not been left to my own devices & able to act in ways that I logically know I shouldn't. I am eating and I am keeping the dangerous things at bay. I am craving the empty feeling and the self-injury more than ever before, because I can't. I won't. It's not just me anymore. Two winters ago, it was Emili and I. This winter, it's M and I. I won't do that to them. It's a funny thing; when you're not doing things by yourself. You feel alone, but logically, physically, you're not. My head makes me feel like an outsider, like I'm dealing with these thoughts and my brain and where ever it wanders off to, all by myself. There is so much to say, but it is way too much, weigh too much. I am too much. I can generally handle myself throughout the spring and the summer. I slip a little almost every fall and then I fall during winter. I stay down, it's the only thing I know. But, once March or April comes around, I get up, brush myself off, and start over. I tend to slip again around May, because I hate May. I hate May. But, I hang on to the handrail. and I stand up again when it is all over.

I want to be brand new. I don't want these slips and falls and getting back up's through the seasons to follow me. I want to be brand new because I want to be good enough.

"you are good enough," they say. I just want to feel it. I don't understand it. I want to be brand new.

This all sounds so sad, but I promise I'm not, not right now. I'm anxious and I was supposed to start therapy, but the lady never called me, which has to be a sure sign that I do not need it. I feel so invalidated, but so petty, since she never called me. She probably thought that I was stupid because I tried anxiety medicine, by itself. I don't believe in medicine, especially not for myself, and especially not after that. I have never in my life had worse anxiety than the anxiety that came surrounding that little pill. I swear I could feel the changes in my brain and I could feel my blood rushing underneath my skin and I could feel the physical anxiety in every inch of my body at the most heightened level it's ever been. I generally can feel anxiety inside my body, every inch, but this was worse. I was crazy. It also gave me the absolute worst nausea I've ever experienced. My not believing in medicine, and the awful effects of this one have confirmed my fears about medicine and I will never take it again.

I am okay. I am happy; I laugh so much and I smile a lot and I'm not alone.

best friends

My best friend, Morgan has been living with me for 12 days. It has been nothing short of wonderful. I am amazed, blessed and thankful for her in my life.

We don't even need words. I feel like I've had the best conversations of my life - and we don't even have to say anything. I've never experienced a friendship like this, but I am thankful.

Soon, we'll be going to the licensing place and establishing her residency here in MN. That seems to make it actually "real."

I love you, M! (:

never alone.

tomorrow is 18 months. a year and a half. one whole year and a half.

still, there is absolutely nothing i wouldn't do to just have her back. it is the most indescribable, devastating, unforgiving feeling.

sometimes, i still expect to wake up to that "good morning, beautiful big sister!" text. i wake up and i don't have it and i panic. what's wrong, something is wrong, why didn't she text me, oh my god. and then i remember. my heart stops for that split second, except it feels like it never starts again. how does it feel like it's stopped when it never feels like it started back up again? i have dreams of us. i wake up gasping for air or thrashing my arms and legs. every single dream, no matter how 'good', ends in myself being physically forced to slide her into the fire pit of the cremation place.

i read something once - about someone who was in a coma. the child was angry at the father for choosing to 'pull the plug' on his mom. when the child was older, he asked why. the dad said, "because i didn't know where her mind was, and i couldn't keep her here knowing that it might be in a dark, painful place." i actually thought i might die at that moment. lexi was in a coma for a week before. we talked about those dark places - our pasts so similar, it was sickening. that aside, though, she was the only person i've ever talked about anything treatment related with. that night - i remember it so clearly.. telling her about it. i remember thinking that i remembered. i haven't remembered since. i didn't remember before. but there was something about that night. i think i was going crazy.

she taught me what living was, even though it should have been the other way around. she lived each and every single day like it was her last, truly. i've known hundreds of people who have said that they live that way, but lexi - she did it. never a dull moment. she loved everyone, quite literally, and everyone loved her. she gave everyone a chance. she was happy. somehow, she learned to move on and live.

i know i'm lucky for the time i had. a compliment on glittery jeans turned into the most amazing, most genuine, most loving friendship i've ever experienced. i just want to hug her one more time, but one more is never enough. i just want one more chat, one more laugh-until-you-literally-can't-see session, one more good morning text, one more everything.

i wish i could listen to our songs, to her songs.


"well i have to be honest, as much as i want it, i'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow. so when hard times have found you and your fears surround you, wrap my love around you, you're never alone."

sometimes, i would give anything in the world to have it all back.
shutupshutupshutup.

hope & letting go

hope... it's always meant something, always kept me holding on. after lexi died, it meant even more. it meant everything. it means everything. i miss her more and more every day. every day, i tell myself that someday, it won't hurt this much. i miss her calling me at 2am, crouched on the bathroom floor, whispering if she could tell her boyfriend that she loved him and how to do it. i miss her calling me to tell me when she drove in a new part of town. most of all, i miss our after school chats, about life and love and friends and everything. i miss walking around town, laughing until we puked, literally. "big sister time," as she called it. there is no one else who has ever looked up to me like she did. she made me feel worthy of being looked up to. worthy of something. every day, i pray that i made her feel the same during her short time here.

i just want to know why.