never alone.

tomorrow is 18 months. a year and a half. one whole year and a half.

still, there is absolutely nothing i wouldn't do to just have her back. it is the most indescribable, devastating, unforgiving feeling.

sometimes, i still expect to wake up to that "good morning, beautiful big sister!" text. i wake up and i don't have it and i panic. what's wrong, something is wrong, why didn't she text me, oh my god. and then i remember. my heart stops for that split second, except it feels like it never starts again. how does it feel like it's stopped when it never feels like it started back up again? i have dreams of us. i wake up gasping for air or thrashing my arms and legs. every single dream, no matter how 'good', ends in myself being physically forced to slide her into the fire pit of the cremation place.

i read something once - about someone who was in a coma. the child was angry at the father for choosing to 'pull the plug' on his mom. when the child was older, he asked why. the dad said, "because i didn't know where her mind was, and i couldn't keep her here knowing that it might be in a dark, painful place." i actually thought i might die at that moment. lexi was in a coma for a week before. we talked about those dark places - our pasts so similar, it was sickening. that aside, though, she was the only person i've ever talked about anything treatment related with. that night - i remember it so clearly.. telling her about it. i remember thinking that i remembered. i haven't remembered since. i didn't remember before. but there was something about that night. i think i was going crazy.

she taught me what living was, even though it should have been the other way around. she lived each and every single day like it was her last, truly. i've known hundreds of people who have said that they live that way, but lexi - she did it. never a dull moment. she loved everyone, quite literally, and everyone loved her. she gave everyone a chance. she was happy. somehow, she learned to move on and live.

i know i'm lucky for the time i had. a compliment on glittery jeans turned into the most amazing, most genuine, most loving friendship i've ever experienced. i just want to hug her one more time, but one more is never enough. i just want one more chat, one more laugh-until-you-literally-can't-see session, one more good morning text, one more everything.

i wish i could listen to our songs, to her songs.


"well i have to be honest, as much as i want it, i'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow. so when hard times have found you and your fears surround you, wrap my love around you, you're never alone."